You’ve heard it time and time again.
And so have we.
That if we want to be treated properly, we need to stop focusing on looks and lower our standards.
But in a world full of men who feel entitled to women waaaaay out of their league, lowering our standards is the absolute worst thing we can do!
We’re here to debunk the myths about dating down, and why we don’t agree with Steve Harvey.
Myth #1: You Might Grow to Love Him.
Firstly, you might NOT grow to love him. How much time are you going to waste with a man you’re not attracted to, hoping (or forcing yourself) to feel that spark that just isn’t there?
Secondly, love isn’t enough. Women have been brainwashed into thinking that all we need (and deserve) is a man who treats us semi-decently, and we should just be happy with that.
But you deserve to date someone you actually fancy. There are plenty of great guys out there who will treat you right who are actually your type.
Myth #2: You Can Fix Him.
Otherwise known as ‘he has potential‘.
NEVER fall in love with potential, because you’re falling for a fantasy.
Trying to change someone is a one-way ticket to a broken relationship. He will resent you for trying to change him (making him feel like he’s not good enough). And you will resent him for wasting so much of your time trying to fix him up.
The only project you should take on is the project of your own life. Anything else is just a waste of time.
Also, time is nobody’s friend. If you don’t fancy him now, what do you think it will be like in ten or twenty years time when half his hair is gone and his beergut is even bigger?
Myth #3: He’ll Really Appreciate You.
This is one of the biggest myths of all and Steve Harvey is guilty of spreading it.
The reality is that ugly men do not treat their partners any better than hot men do!
We’ve heard countless stories from women who have dated down, thinking that they’ll be treated better, but they just end up on the receiving end of jealousy and insecurity.
There are so many insecure men out there who, instead of appreciating having a woman out of his league, tries to bring her down to his level, by (subtly and not so subtly) wearing down her confidence and lowering her self-esteem.
Myth #4: He’ll Never Leave You.
BONUS if you did help make him hot! Aww he should really appreciate that, right? You would think he’s going to stick around after all you did to help him.
Or is he going to think he can do better?
A lot of guys who date out of their league get a huge ego boost from it. Instead of thinking you’re the best thing in the world for being so beautiful, he thinks he’s the best thing in the world because he got you.
And he’s going to go out and see if he can ‘upgrade‘ you.
Myth #5: He’ll Be Faithful.
For some reason, we tend to think that less attractive guys are less shallow. But if they are less shallow, why are they going for someone out of their league? Wouldn’t they be dating someone less attractive than themselves instead of going after you?
Ugly guys cheat just as much as hot guys. They might have fewer opportunities to do so, but they are just as likely to jump at any of the (few) chances he gets.
Ugly guys are also just as likely to have browser histories full of porn of women who look nothing like you.
Loyalty is all about someone’s VALUES. It has nothing to do with the way they look.
We’re willing to bet that the ugly guy who wants you to take a chance on him would never take a chance on a girl he didn’t find attractive!
Myth #6: You Should Play It Safe.
This comes from the idea that there aren’t many good men out there, so if you find one that is kind of OK, you should stick with him.
But you deserve more than OK.
In fact, it’s better (and safer) to be SINGLE than in an unhappy romantic relationship with someone you don’t fancy.
We need to repeat this. Being in a romantic relationship with someone you aren’t physically attracted to … It makes NO SENSE and it’s only an expectation placed on women. How many couples have you seen where the woman is clearly better looking than the guy? Quite a few, right? Now, how many couples have you seen where the guy is way better looking that the girl? Yeah … doesn’t happen so much, does it?
How is wasting time on someone who isn’t your type the safe option in life? There’s nothing safe in wasting months or years of your life being unhappy.
Myth #7: Time is Running Out.
Firstly, it’s not.
Women are desirable at any age. It’s a total myth that women lose value as they get older. It’s actually a myth started by men in order to convince us to settle for them out of fear of ending up alone!
Secondly, if time were running out, this should actually motivate you to leave a guy who’s not good enough for you. Find your happiness as soon as possible, instead of wasting time on the wrong guy.
Myth #8: Being Single is a Failure.
Considering that unmarried women are happier than married women (for men it’s the other way around!), perhaps being single isn’t really as awful as we’ve been told.
Unmarried women even live longer than married women! (Again, it’s the other way around for men).
If you’re single over a certain age (we all have a different idea of what this age would be), that’s a million times better than being the same age but stuck with a man who has stopped treating you properly. Or with a man you have sex with but don’t actually fancy.
Seriously, ladies, can we all just stop having sex that we don’t really want with men we don’t really fancy?
Myth #9: Women Aren’t Visual
Again, this is another myth!
Women are just as visual as men. Think about it! We put more effort into our appearance, decor, fashion … We’re tidier and we just like things to look nice.
The ‘men are more visual’ myth is just an excuse to justify men’s rampant porn use, to blame women for sexual assault (he couldn’t help it because men are so visual), for sexual harassment, for creepy stares in public and so that men don’t have to look after their appearance anywhere near as much as women do (or spend as much money on the required products and treatments).
You DESERVE to think your boyfriend is attractive. It is just as important for women to be physically attracted to, and visually stimulated by, our partners.
Myth #10: Sex Isn’t That Important for Women.
Sex is JUST as important for women as it is for men!
It’s just that we’re not really having the sex we want to have. We have no idea how amazing sex can be, when foreplay is long and isn’t seen as a chore, when our partner seduces us and when we feel safe that he’s not going to pressure us into painful acts he’s seen in porn.
In fact, according to Naomi Wolf in her (must-read) Vagina: A New Biography:
In life after life of women writers, revolutionaries, and artists, a particularly liberating sexual relationship or affair – or hints of sexual self-discovery, even if the artist was unpartnered – would precede a luxuriant stretch of creative and intellectual expansion in their work.Naomi Wolf. Vagina: A New Biography
This means that sex isn’t just physically important for women, but that it’s directly related to our creativity.
When women have sex that they really want, with lots of passion, seduction and foreplay, that same passion translates to other areas of our lives.
And it’s not going to happen for us if we don’t actually find the guy we’re having sex with attractive.
Seriously, this book is life-changing. You need to read it!
So, Why Do We Settle?
#1: Dating Down Is Totally Normalised.
The ugly guy/hot wife combo is a pervasive trope found across all media.
The nerd always gets the girl in the end.
The male actor’s on-screen love interest is ten or twenty years his junior.
Don’t forget that most of what we see on TV is written by men, directed by men, produced by men, cast by men (yes, even chickflicks and romcoms) … They’re just living out their little fantasies and we need to make sure that the reality of our lives doesn’t reflect old men’s fantasies.
Especially when being bombarded with this message can leave men with a sense of entitlement to get the hot girl, which can end up really nasty when they don’t.
#2: We Want the Ego-Boost.
Dating down can give you a sense of power in the relationship.
And when you first get together, he’s all over you. He can’t believe he’s managed to bag a girl as hot and accomplished as you.
But as we’ve said before, this adoration wears off fast when he tries to lower your self-esteem so that you don’t leave him (and so you no longer have power over him).
And do you really want to be with someone who admires you so much just because of the way you look?
He might put us on a pedestal at first, but we never stay up there for long before he knocks us back off of it. You don’t want to be with someone who idealises you just because you are more attractive, instead of falling for the real you.
#3: We’re Scared of Being Alone.
But you don’t have to be alone! You can be single and fill your life with close relationships with family and friends. You can even create your own family out of friends if you’re not close with your blood relatives.
Us girls have been brainwashed (yep, we said it) since we were little, to believe that having a man, ANY man, is better than the absolute shameful horror of not having one.
But really, the vast majority of them aren’t that great anyway and aren’t even worth the effort.
Focus on your own life, building your soul tribe, and when the right guy comes along (whom you really fancy), everything else will be in place so that you can just enjoy being in love (and having passionate sex!).
#4: We Have Low Self-Esteem.
Which means we don’t realise what (and whom) we really deserve.
Our whole lives, we’ve been made to feel like we’re not good enough for a man. First, it’s that we’re weak or boring and suddenly the boys don’t want to play with us anymore. Then we’re all worried about how we look due to the pressures of the fashion industry (btw, the fashion industry HATES women, it’s not your friend). Then we’re sexually harassed and mocked by boys as soon as puberty starts (if not earlier), and then as soon as we become sexually active, men pit us against porn.
ALL of this works together to chip away at a woman’s self-esteem and we internalise it. This means that men, in general, have far more confidence in themselves and their worth as an individual as women do. By the time we reach adulthood, it’s NOT a level playing field. Just look at the entitlement of men who look like old seaslugs and really believe they deserve a young model (and they cheat on their faithful wives to get one) …
Honestly, we don’t need any of these disgusting creatures in our lives.
#5: The Bar is on the Floor.
Think about how much praise dads get for doing the bare minimum of raising their own child.
Or how much effort men put into their appearance compared to women?
Or the fact that women still, even if they are the breadwinners, spend more time looking after the home than men do! All men have to do is wash up a cup and people will fall over themselves to praise him for being such a wonderful husband.
Men are well used to these double-standards. They know that women think so little of themselves that they can get away with not even meeting the bare minimum requirements of behaving like an adult and treating you like the human being you are.
We’ve been conditioned to accept these double-standards too. And most of the time we don’t even notice them, because we just accept it as normal. Because that’s how things have always been.
Say no to Steve Harvey!
Say yes to passionate sex with a man you are so attracted to you can barely keep your hands off him.
Of course, everyone’s type is different. We’re not saying that you have to go for the conventionally attractive type, but you have to go for YOUR type.
It doesn’t matter if your friends think he’s ugly if YOU really like him. Some women love Jason Momoa and some like themselves a bit of Cumberbatch. Whether you want a guy who looks like he’s just stepped out of Love Island or a guy so skinny and androgynous that you could snap him in half … Make sure that the next guy you date is someone that you’re actually attracted to!